HUMOROUS ANECDOTES

TICKET EXCUSE

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed
limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.

He thinks "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are 
racing down the highway- 60,70,80,90 miles an hour. Finally as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures he can't outrun the cop and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down 
says " listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to go home. Give me
a good excuse and I'll let you go ".

The man thought for a moment and said, " Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me '!

 

 WHITE & BLACK

Little Timmy accompanied his mother to a wedding. Curiously, Timmy asked, "Mom, why does the girl wear white?" 

Timmy's mother smiled and responded, "The bride is in white because she is very happy and this is the happiest day of her life." 

Timmy thought for a second, a bit confused. Then he added, "So if she wears white because this is the happiest day of her life, why is the boy wearing black?"

 

RELIGIOUS SCHOLAR

One day a young woman, whose folks had a lot of money, took her fiancee' home to meet her parents. The mother had instructed her husband before they arrived to be sure to pull the young man aside to learn more about him. So after dinner, the father asked the young man to join him in his study where he proceeds to ask him several questions. 

"What are your plans for life?" the father asked.. 

"I am a religious scholar," the young man replied. 

"A religious scholar. Hmmmm," the father responded."That's admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" 

"I will study," came the response. "And God will provide for us." 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. 

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied. "God will provide for us." 

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" 

"Don't worry, sir," replied the young man. "God will provide." 

To every question the young man simply responded that God would provide. 

After the two had left, the mother quickly inquired about the talk. 

"How did it go?" she asked. 

The father responded: 

"The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks I'm God."



 GREAT IN BED

A lady, desperate for companionship took out an ad in the local paper. It read: "I need a man who won't beat me up...won't run away with other women, but he's gotta be great in bed". The next day the doorbell rang, and she found a quadriplegic on her doorstep. "You have no arms" she said... he answered: "I won't beat you" "you have no legs" she protested... he said "I won't run away with other women!" Embarrassed she inquired: "How can you be great in bed?" His answer: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

BLIND DATE

Two college friends met for coffee on Saturday morning. 

"How was your blind date?" one girl asked the other. 

"Awful!" the other answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." 

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?" 

The disappointed college student replied, "He was the original owner."

MAILMAN'S LAST DAY

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail

through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first

house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly

congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third

house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the

door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him),

and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love

he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him

a giant breakfast - eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange

juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day after 35 years

of dutiful delivery, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But the breakfast was my idea."

MANAGER'S DILEMMA

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill...

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both

employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break.

Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither

Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate sandwiches at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, but both

 employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible

problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus!"